Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I haven't had the time, mood and energy to update since my last entry. My life appears to have become a total wreck and I feel awfully drained. Not that my life was great to begin with, but it really can't get any worse at this point. Well, perhaps it could... I can never know for sure. I wish time could come to a standstill, just long enough for me to take a break and pick out the awful events.

Moving out on my own is tough. There's no doubt about that, even though I was still able to manage it somehow. Unexplainable predicaments and uncontrollable situations resulted in the fact that I needed to "grow up" faster. I look at the people around me; I feel a surge of overwhelming envy.

"Why can’t I have that sort of happiness too?"
"Why don’t I have a family that cares that much about me?"
"Why can’t I have a family that belongs to me alone?"
"Why do I always end up alone?"

I could ask a hundred "why" questions and I still can't get an answer or an epiphany of some sort that will explain things to me. I thought answers to those questions were supposed to be answered in my adolescent years. People ask questions like those while they were still angry little teenagers searching for an identity or purpose in life... What ever happened to my answers?

I refuse to blame the world or anyone for my misfortunes as I see no point in that. Building unnecessary fury would just take up too much energy. I feel tired enough. I don't have the strength to be angry at other external factors in life. Hence, it all boils down to "what the hell is wrong with me!?"

I am just like everyone else. Nothing special or unusual... An average female living and breathing like others. I don't expect and want a lot. Even if I do want something out of materialistic greed, I make sure that I pay for it myself. I am kind and giving, or so I've been told... I haven't done anything unlawful and illegal. I clean up myself, and I work hard... And because of all that and more, I think I deserve to be happy. To belong somewhere... I hate feeling misplaced, insignificant and unwanted. Gosh, I feel like a freaking stray wandering aimlessly.

He was the only good thing that's ever happened to me in a long time. He gave me the warmth, care and support I needed when my grandfather and great grandmother died. He was there to catch me and cheer me up when I got into an accident and whenever home got too unbearable for me to stay. He gave me a decent job and guided me through it. He gave me happiness. He said he loved me...

I tried so hard to match up to what he's provided me with. I did my best to take care of the little miscellaneous things around him. Emotionally, domestically and professionally... I realise that given my current position, I am of no help to him otherwise, but I will be able to in time to come... Honestly...

It was because of him that I was able to stand up time and time again. I thought he loved me. He was the one that I wanted to marry. I wanted to age and grey with him... How could he let go of me just like that? When did he stop loving me? Which day? Which hour and minute? There is always a moment for such decisions before one decides to actually act on it. It's not fair, I didn't do anything wrong. We were fine weren't we? We didn't fight, we didn’t bicker... We had a great weekend together didn't we? So what happened? How can I possibly let him go without a reason? We both knew that we were very different people right from the beginning and that was what that kept us together. He can’t use that as a reason to leave. It’s a lie and it’s not right.

I'm in pain. I'm hurting all over inside and I can't show it. I wept for days and still I am weeping. It's getting too difficult. I feel like I am about to shatter into pieces. I'm alone now.

Love,
Brenda.
9/11/2007 11:13:00 AM